Seek up

Oh, life it seems a struggle between What we think what we see I'm not going to change my ways Just to please you or appease you Inside a crowd, five billion proud Willing to punch it out Right, wrong, weak, strong Ashes to ashes all fall down Look around about this round About this merry-go-round around If at all God's gaze upon us fall His mischievous grin, look at him 
Forget about the reasons and The treasons we are seeking Forget about the notion that Our emotions can be swept away Forget about being guilty, We are innocent instead For soon we will all find our lives swept away 
Sit awhile with TV's hungry child Big belly swelled Oh, for a price of a coke or a smoke Keep alive those hungy eyes Take a look at me, what you see in me, Mirror look at me Face it all, face it all again 

And our cup is overflowing You seek up an emotion, Sometimes your well is dry You seek up a big monster For him to fight your wars for you But when he finds his way to you, the devil's not Going--ha, ha 
Say, say 
Look at me in my fancy car And my bank account Oh, how I wish I could take it all down Into my grave, I'd save Take a look again, take a look again, Take a look again Everyday things change,...stay the same 

Intentions are not wicked, Don't be tricked into thinking so 

Friday the 13th

Was a lucky day for me and my new start up.

Hundreds of hours of prep across three countries came prior to coming up with a simple, straight forward keynote iPad presentation for what I hoped to be our first major future customer.

Life, over the last 3 months has been too much fun. Strategizing, rehearsals, role plays (much to my detest), calls, gotomeetings, screen shares, brainstorming sessions, late nights, early mornings, glasses of wine, text messages, arguments, excitement, despair, confidence, doubt, advice, direction changes, coffee, convincing investors, reassuring investors, searching for investors, swearing, staying up thinking, dreaming, envisioning, tweeting, telling, talking, researching, strategizing, meeting, dining, lunching, drinking, writing, rehearsals. In truth, life, as I knew it, had become this fabulous melange of start up world.

By the time we strolled into our first big, official, formal pitch, I had been running so rampant, it was just the next thing booked into my Calendar that day. And then, on Friday the 13th, the mammoth customer engaged, agreed and then committed to stay engaged.

Next I knew I was out in the Vancouver sun with my VP, in a complete daze. Confused, and wondering what had just happened. A cple Martinis later we contemplated why success felt so strange. "This wasn't supposed to feel easy" was all we could muster. In all the million biographies i had read, i had heard that the fun part was supposed to be the "struggle". In truth, this struggle doesn't feel like one. Maybe that's why it is fun? Or maybe it's unusual for Friday the 13ths to be this lucky?

Ups and Downs

If there is one thing I am sure of, one thing we all have in common, is that there are two of us. Two voices: one of confidence, clarity, firmness.  And one of dreadful self doubt, uncertainty, and negative outlook. One is usually louder than the other, one in charge. They battle each other constantly, sometimes from a far, which can be observed (if you are good enough). It is no secret that all of the worlds "great leaders" dealt with similar battles. 


Churchill's well known mania. Monroes insane ups and downs in love. If you have every listened to the lyrics of Etta James, I'm sure you'd quickly put her in the same category. 


I just came across a book that deals with the link between leadership and mental illness, called "A First Rate Madness". http://www.amazon.ca/First-Rate-Madness-Uncovering-Between-Leadership/dp/1594202958 . And the list goes on. Concrete evidence for Lincoln, Churchill, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., JFK and more. 


I have this fabulous new start up community of friends in Toronto now, and we often relate to each other on this exact topic. One day your idea is going to change the world, and the next, an utter failure. Lately, with the help of some fabulous leaders in the field, and a little bit of encouragement, I am firm in my belief of the former. The important thing in my mind, is to be sure to remember the former when everyone around you is doubtful. The important thing, in my mind, is not to be controlled too much by outside circumstances. 

"Play you're own game".

Then again, my father used to always say that "only the mediocre can always be at their best". Maybe that's all it is. 

Coding a better government?

This is a fantastic TEDTalk. "An app that takes a few days to build and spreads virally proves that government might not work". This new generation is tackling government differently. "When you strip away your feelings about politics, government is at its core, what we do together that we can't do alone. Reconsider giving up on government". www.ted.com/.../jennifer_pahlka_coding_a_better_government.html 

The $6 train ticket to Palo Alto.

The other night, rushed and frazzled, I ran over to quickly buy a Caltrain ticket from San Fran to Mountainview, which is apple/Stanford land. So, tech start up Mecca. Having recently landed, I only had 20s and 5s in my wallet. I gently fed the $5 bill into the machine while scrambling behind other sections of my wallet for the missing $1. Without thinking, I grabbed a bill from the back of my wallet, fed it into the machine and then mid feed realized what I had done. That was the signed $1 bill from the investor who bought GMAs stock last year. I was keeping it to get it framed or laminated or something. But I didn't feel the same way about the deal as I had when it was consummated. I felt relieved.

Sometimes it's okay just leaving things in your past. For other times, you may just have to shove them through a train ticket feeder machine that would take a 30 pound metal bender to release, in exchange for a one way ticket to the future.

Best uses of money

"Unemployed", traveling, re-decorating my apartment (per my "de clutter resolution"), and now dumping my savings into a risky start up seems to (shockingly) impact the bank account.

As I battle the debate everyday as to how to best make use of my savings until I bring my first penny of revenue in (estimated time: over a year away), I have developed my own theory I consider a bit of a spin on the "Latte Factor" (http://www.finishrich.com/lattefactor/). I personally believe that Lattes every day are a great way to waste $5/day for the rest of your life. Why? Because I absolutely love them. I love coffee shops, I love coffee, and I love spending hours on end in coffee shops. So kill me. Expensive coffees to me, are my life blood. With them, come imagination, and understanding, dreaming and planning and implementing my dreams by lap top and moleskin. I agree with the "Automatic Millionaire" theory. I agree that his math is correct and his theory is true. But I refuse to live that way.

What I have realized, is that if we all look at our budgets, there are likely just a few, much larger purchases that are made, that don't, in reality, have that much effect on your long term happiness. How about that dress you HAD to have, wore it out one night with a sweater over top, only to throw it in the corner of your closet 4 hours later. Perhaps, I am exagerating, but I think my point is made without providing further embarassingly frivolous examples. For me, and I know we are all different, I have become extremely conscious of what I consider the "Happiness Factor". Which purchases have tremendous return on your happiness and productivity? And which pay short dividends, leaving you un changed and hardly better off after?

"The people who make the decisions show up"

I can't remember where I heard this quote, but it has been repeating in my head over and over and over for nearly a decade. I've heard variations of it as well, like in Bill Clinton's biography, I remember him saying something like "a lot of life is just showing up" and at my Ivey grad, I remember the dean reminding us all that "80% of your life is where you decide to show up". Today, as I laid on my couch wrapped in blankets with a hot cup of tea, reading my fascinating new book on the Security Council called "running the world", I was reminded by my dreadful iCal that I was to go meet someone "in the industry" for "market research". It was the last thing I felt like doing on an early Saturday morning. We all know those split second moments where you ask yourself "can I cancel?". I knew there was a bad flu going around.

Some other voice won the battle, and I pulled myself together, off to the restaurant (which was only a few blocks away). And it is pretty rare that we ever regret it when we show up, but to me it can be the hardest thing to do at times, especially under such limiting circumstances of blankets and tea. What I presume however, is that, it is that tiny split second decision we all make, that either widens or narrows the gap between reading about the decisions that "run the world" and actually making them ourselves.


(http://www.amazon.com/Running-World-National-Security-Architects/dp/1586482483)

The case of the African Unicorn

There is a story about some men who had spent time deep in the African jungle, and upon returning to Canada many years a go, told their friends about an African Unicorn they had witnessed. "Part giraffe, part Zebra" they recounted to blank stares. The Canadian friends convinced them they had lost their minds. "Perhaps there was poison in a plant and it affected your mental state" they hypothesized. Ridiculed, they were quickly brushed off by their friends. But still they were convinced of this African unicorn and continued to believe.

Just recently, the existence of the Okapi, which is an Animal exactly as they had described, as been found. And any doubts have been quickly wiped away.

-as told to me by an investor in Toronto upon explaining to him what some may consider a crazy idea

Why you should date a female entrepreneur

by @heatherpayne:
“You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart doesn’t burst. Together you will create the vision for your lives. You might even have kids together. If you do, they’ll have strange ideas and even stranger imaginations. They’ll have the best lemonade stand in the city. She will introduce your children to Lego and math and consideration and beauty and generosity and building robots and cooking and JavaScript, maybe in the same day. You will love her more than anything and your relationship will always feel new and fresh, because ideas never get old. Because she’ll mess with your computer, but never your heart.” 


http://heatherpayne.ca/date-an-entrepreneur-female-edition 

Moneyball quote

John Henry: "I know you are taking it in the teeth, but the first guy through the wall... he always gets bloody... always. This is threatening not just a way of doing business... but in their minds, it's threatening the game. Really what it's threatening is their livelihood, their jobs. It's threatening the way they do things... and every time that happens, whether it's the government, a way of doing business, whatever, the people who are holding the reins - they have their hands on the switch - they go batshit crazy."

Enlightenment

Enlightenment, while as intimidating as it sounds to most, is really just the ability to "see into one's true nature/self". While India can serve as catalyst or a place of discovery, it is not at all necessary to travel all the way there to reach "Satori". I see it now as just a relentless quest for knowledge about yourself. This should not be constrained to a month long vacation, and in fact, should be a constant "project".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satori

Death

Deepak Chopra was a doctor in an emergency room. He watched patient after patient die, day after day monotomously, but he noticed dramatic differences in their reactions and the ways in which they handled death. I have been thinking about death a lot here. Even just the death of a business, which fosters entirely new creative ideas, (its destruction actually serving as a valuable catalyst), one must wonder why it has to happen to them and what importance death places on the ways in which we live our lives. Chopra studied cancer, and reiterates that the whole reason for cancer cells forming and spreading is as a result of cells refusing the natural fate of their existence, which is death. Trillions of cells move in and out of our body forming and dieing, forming and dieing. No cells are immortal. And in fact, those cells that do not die, and continue to reproduce, are what kills us. Obviously no one that has come before us and it is unlikely that anyone who comes after, will have any clue what happens to us when we die. But the important thing is to really know that it is coming. To put it in front of you every day, somehow, so you don't forget.

"Life, has no meaning the moment you have lost the illusion of being eternal". - Sartre

Slumdogs

I went to my first real Indian slum these evening. And it was not at all what I expected. There was no fighting there. This was not the Bronx. Drugs and guns are far too expensive. These people were lucky to make $1 a day. There is fighting, but with your hands. There is poverty, but not the kind of poverty where you have broken pipes and sewer systems and dirty door steps. There were no door steps. As India gets richer, the poor get poorer. But people take care of each other. There is real organization in the mad chaos and everyone seems to "go with it", and to "just know their place". I sometimes wonder and picture it almost as a utopian society. It clearly doesn't appear to be. One thing I know, is that what it is like to live in the slums is so far away from my understanding, that I doubt I'll ever "just get it".

The "list"

It turns out that after a few days of a dramatically different lifestyle (no phone, no Internet, slowing down, no meat, no alcohol, no friends around, attempting to meet the rigorous requirements of "the list), we gravitate quickly back, like a magnet, to what we are used to. Maybe it is a character flaw of mine, maybe it is habitual, or maybe it means that I have been doing what I want to be doing all a long.

I quickly found myself:
Making plans. Lots of them.
Buying a $12 local cell phone with enough minutes to last me a year.
Flying every couple of days to new cities in India (there is a lot to see!)
Meeting people. Then meeting people who introduced me to more people.
My phone quickly filled with locals cell phone numbers.
Meetings with developers, which lead to meeting VCs, and other interesting successful business people in India.
Reading. Like a maniac. I read 7 books in 30 days. But that's another story. (note one of them was Francis fukuyamas new political order book, hardly a harlequin novel). I was referred to by a bed and breakfast owner the other night as "drunken, by words".
Lamb, red wine and kingfisher beer. Enough said. And then, of course, there are the un-bloggable world of all things truly sinful such as sex, drugs and Indian music.
Staying in nice hotels, going to polo matches and lounges, and quite frankly, staying out of the ashrams, with the exception of some day trips to do yoga and speak with some gurus.
I was successful in letting time slip away, but not too far.

I haven't stopped making lists.

What India has going for it.

1) A serious focus on education and health care. And not just in government spending. It is embedded deep in the culture. Middle class families save their entire lives to ensure their kids get the best education possible. This will build a strong foundation for long term prosperity.

2) Democracy. Freedom of speech, open internet.

3) Diet. Fresh vegetables and fruit litter the streets on wagons daily.

4) A passion for technology, innovation and anything to do with, as they refer to it, "the Valley".

5) Pioneers of social entrepreneurship as a way to bring their bottom level of the pyramid out of poverty.

6) They speak English. Well. (I have read local books that are almost Shakespearian in their prose).

7) Yoga. Meditation. Culture of non-violence.

8) Strong trade deficit. Their economy is not based on exports, and reliant on the US as their main customer. They are not owed such mass amounts of debts from the US like China.

9) Their GDP is said to be enormously (nearly 200%) undervalued as a result of the black market. (Dealing in cash, corruption, etc).

10) A floating rate currency.

Leela

Leela palace, a Kempinski hotel in the heart of Bangalore is an oasis away from, well, India. I sat in the courtyard today drinking Tiramasu cappuccino talking to a designer from Paris, Sanchita. Breathtaking!

Signs in India

Tennis

I read a study recently about professional tennis players. An elite coach was studying the different athletes in play, some of his best and worst, and he was having a hard time differentiating between each players style, form, even passion for the sport. They all seemed so alike, yet their results were quite different. After a while, he began studying their style and form in between the points scored during the game, and found an unbelievable, unifying quality of all of the top athletes. It was the top athletes whom had perfected the art of recuperation. The way they slouched their shoulders, the way the slowly walked back to the other end of the court, the way they breathed. Turns out, it was their elite ability to recoup energy that was the major differentiator causing their success.

I got to thinking about how this applies to the workplace. A recovering workaholic myself, I am realizing that there should probably be more breaks in between high energy spurts of hard work. That we really only need to sit down for a few hours at a time and go through all of the days emails, instead of constantly being on call. That "breaks" allow us to think, to work on some of the longer term projects, instead of responding to fire fights all day long, one after the other. That we are not "linear" animals, but ones that have ups and downs in energy all throughout the day. And that the way we recoup energy is likely just as important as the way we spend it.

Let down by unleashed human nature

One of my biggest disappointments in India is the town of Auroville. This town, originally set up by the Mother and the UN (UNESCO) had incredible intentions at first. People from all countries of the world came, brought soil from their land and worked together to live in this little town, each working on agriculture and other needed social services. When I read about it originally, it reminded me of Ayn Rands secret town of barter for ultra capitalists in Atlas Shrugged. There was apparently this huge gold sphere that hundreds of people sat around every night and meditated. The powers of this one unified, international group were supposed to act as a microcosm for a proposed model that would change the world.

Instead, what I found when I got there was a village run by hippies, smoking a ton of drugs and claiming to have been to Nirvana. Right- you were high. The gold sphere was filthy, just disgusting dirty, no one having cleaned it because someone was probably in charge, but without pay, unmotivated. There was certainly a group of international people, but I didnt come across the intellects. I came across people, likely with originally good intentions, but instead, living in huge houses for next to nothing with local Indians as staff, making money off of tourists. It was a huge scam, a giant let down and very far from what it was when the Mother was alive. The rumors of scandal, sexual misconduct, power grabs, even abuse, were rampant around town.

Ahhh human nature, human nature indeed.

Mr Chartwell

Winston Churchill was said to have referred to his depressive states as "the big black dog" arriving when he called for it, and then draping itself across his body for hrs on end following him around, often for days, at the most unopportune time. In this great little fiction novel, "Mr Chartwell" the author tells a story about the big black dog during the time of Churchills retirement. There are many scenes where Churchill argues with this dog, sometimes quite comically. In one scene, he tells the dog"I always relied on the promise that I will do better, serve the outside world better, and then I will defeat you" , but he is facing the end and clearly worried about a life of luxury drinking Pol Roger, smoking Romeo and Juliet's.

I have attached his final speech in front of journalists at Parliament the day before retirement.

Veda

2 nights a go I went to this little roof top cafe said to by the lonely planet to be the "social cafe" in town for foreigners. Within seconds, I was under orange lights in a smokey fog of incense, drinking tea and philosophizing about ancient Indian religions, archeology, the Brahman, Veda, and of course science, matter, light, particles and the mind. In a small circle of an Australian with multiple philosophy and history PhDs, an Israeli writing a book on Aurobindo, a drunk poet from Paris, and a Spanish aristocrat with a specialization in metaphysics, we sat there for 2 days and nights. I felt very much like I was part of one of the underground groups of the enlightenment or Aurobindo himself, staging the revolution against the British. It was fabulous. It is important to take the time for your intellect, which does not get the proper exercise completing everyday office tasks.

Italian saying

"piu se spenne e pejo se magna"

- the more one pays, the worse one eats (uncomplicate, simplify)

Aurobindo Ashram

I spent the morning at the Aurobindo Ashram where "The Mother", the closest follower to Sri Aurobindo http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sri_Aurobindo was based in Pondicherry. Her body, still lieing in the center of the main room is surrounded by praying disciples and mostly flowers. You are to check your shoes at the door, right next the Holy elephant (whom, by the way, I got on with quite well http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFIPO85TC3w ). Born in Paris, she collaborated with one of the most influencial political forces against the British, establishing ashrams, schools, societies and an entire village for the UN. I repsect her as a minimum, for all the damn work she did. Spiritually, what she beleived was that there was no consistency to life (much like the Buddhists), and one must not attach themselves to a certain element. A cornerstone to her philosophy, called "Brahman" is a theory that says that by removing certain veils we all have, mostly caused by ego, it is possible to recover your true self. This true self, she hypothesized (remember, I am trying to translate from her texts that I have been reading), will resemble very much that of everyone else's true self. This I do beleive. I have also been reading many Buddhist texts, (which curiosity actually stems from studying Steve Jobs over the past week). Where the Aurobindo teachings seem to differ from Buddhism, is that they recognize that we are all actually very different and require our own completely different paths. Buddhism I see at the core as recognizing causality, and one "dharma" (one law of the universe/duty of a person). The Mother's teachings seem to put a lot more emphasis on each person. And I always have liked the notion of being in control. Especially shoeless, at the foot of an elephant.

Yoga class

This mornings 530am yoga class, located in a building 15 mins north of the French quarter was said by the locals to be the best in town. I sat cross legged on the cold marble floor waiting for the guru in the pitch dark waiting for the sun to come up. I couldn't help but be distracted by the sewer stench all around me. I tried to sit still, but Mosquitos swarmed all around even indoors behind the big pad locked gate. The class proceeded, but was not anywhere near as difficult as most classes in North Ammerica. The focus was on the breath and chanting instead of the physical aspect. Ugh. I so desperately wanted a good workout. I quickly learned the chants and actually started to enjoy it, but with every sun salutation, the rising sun just exposed more garbage outdoors and the smell continued to seep in. Lieing down in meditative poses was even harder as I swatted away flies every couple of seconds, much to the gurus disappointment.

After the hour session was complete and I climbed down the steps to the outside, to what felt like a world away from my beloved French quarter, all I could see was bright, crowded smelly streets with cows lined on the street sides eating the garbage. I was now stranded. No rickshaws in sight.

This is hardly what I had hoped "yoga in India" would be like.

Materialize

How many times has something that you wanted so bad (last pair of manolos, the 22 yr model in the Gucci ad, car, whatever) , only to find that soon after they materialize in front of you, you don't really want them anymore. They lose their power as an idea that you work towards achievment soon after attainment. The difference I am learning between these ideas for what the effect of our "work" will be, vs. focusing on the process itself, can be life altering. In the first 2 1/2 years that Steve Jobs came back to turn apple around, he was offered stock options and salary that he refused. The options he was offered would have been worth well over $400m after those cple of years, but instead he chose to take a salary of $1/year. He earned $2.50 total for some of the hardest working years of his life. He did this just to prove that he cared more about his purpose: challenging the status quo in personal computing and the music industry at the time, then the result of those efforts.

Settore.ca

I just bought my domain name for my next business from a tiny little Belgian cafe in Pondicherry!!! Thrilled!I am now the proud owner of "Settore.ca", Italian for "trade".

Working with Indians

I have been working with a few different potential developers in India for the past week, mostly via Skype. I am really looking forward to meeting them all in person next week in Indore and Bangalore. I have learned a lot in a short while about the business culture here, potential implications for the economy and threats to North America. First of all, they can be highly unprofessional by traditional standards. Interrupting you, talking at the same time as their colleagues, incoherently getting their ideas mixed up and forgetting what you have just told them, forcing you to repeat yourself over and over. They are highly impatient and have the tendency to jump into what you are about to say and complete your sentence for them. It is irritating, at best. But they are hungry. It is so refreshing to work with people who are not just eager, but dieing to please. They are friendly, excited and want to be a part of whatever you are doing. Those qualities can be hard to come by in North America. Do I think their economy will far surpass ours in the near term? Not on sophistication I don't. Our way of thinking linearly, with more organized thought patterns allows for much higher levels of organization. Jeesh - they still don't even wear seatbelts here. And while Indians have a more entrepreneurial attitude, I also don't see them as huge innovators by some standards in North America, especially Silicon Valley. Their focus on education is remarkable though, I respect that. And they are hungry, they got that part really, really right. I love working with them, for that reason alone.

January was named after the roman god janus, god of gates and doors and two faces- one looking back and one looking forward

Mecca

I arrived in the old French colonial town of Pondicherry yesterday morning to find it completely devastated by a cyclone. The scene reminded me too much of New Orleans or worse, Haiti. Garden terraces atop the colonial beach front mansions were wiped out. Pale blue shutters completely ripped off. I ventured a few blocks up from the beach, where I was supposed to be staying and settled into a gorgeous little bed and breakfast run by a French Indian man named, ironically, Bala. (Bala was the name of the most loyal GMA employee we had.). Anyways, this place does wonders for the soul. I could instantly stay here for an entire month. "Well, do you have French food?" I asked the owner in desperation (9 days of curry and rice...actually the last 48 hours I had resorted to banana chips and digestive cookies, but thats besides the point and clearly demonstrates my inability to eat "vegetables" for a month). "Well of course, we have the best French food in India" the owner replied. There's that French arrogance I loved so much.

It's so funny, here I was, having travelled across the world to try to live in a totally new way, and I had resorted back to my leek au gratin and glass of Bordeaux. I was happy.

The famous Aurobindo ashram, run by Mother Mirra Richard was exactly next door, so I could sit on the roof top terrace looking in on the divorced women practicing codes of silence and complete abstinence from all things "bad" (or good in my books) cross legged all day.

For now, I would stay here, with my pile of books, cute cafes and great little yoga enclaves throughout the town. I even rented my own scooter, since the streets are so much more manageable than other parts of India. And I was not planning to enroll in the ashram. Not yet, anyways. I have found my own Mecca.

"No man can come here but through my act" - Emerson

Productivity and Happiness

"What am I supposed to think about?" I asked the guru this morning after yet another stressful and frustrating attempt at meditation. "Don't control your thoughts, just watch them. When you fight with them, they will just fight hard back like a school yard Bully. Instead, sit and observe." So I did. Eventually the space between each thought widens and all you are left with is some element of awareness. The first ten minutes are the hardest, but they must be endured.

I got to thinking about enduring pain, and it made me thinking of this exert from a book a friend gave me before my trip re evolutionary theory on sex.

Could it be that we are designed to continue to pursue happiness in order to maintain productivity? Isn't that what working through weekends feels like at times?

The guru giggled as I left the beach this morning. "Now make sure, you are very, very productive today" he reminded me. This to me, meant emails, phone calls, product development, you get the idea. And is if he knew what I was thinking, he continued "take advantage of this space in time, endure the learning curve. You will be more productive later, I promise".

Crowded mania

India really is a manic place. At times the intensity of the sensory pressures around you build up to a point that break. I caught the 4am flight yesterday morning directly from my Corono soaked hammock in Goa in a daze, to head further south to an even more zen place. Upon landing at the connecting airport, I enjoyed a long candidate discussion with govt officials as to why I didnt have a boarding pass from 2 flights a go on me. After many misguided, completely illogical discussions re the nature of the word "boarding" and how I took that literally to mean "to board" not "get off of a flight a few flights later", they finally gave up, to let me race to my connecting flight to Trivundrum to catch my house boat. I was fully prepared to encounter a few more bureaucratic line ups and irritants, but the pressure was indeed building as I maneuvered the busy airport with an efficiency level far exceeding the mean.

Upon discovering that my iPad eticket was not enough to check in, that i needed to find a print shop to print my eticket confirmation to present for a boarding pass (I am usually irritated when I know there is a better way to do something), I twisted and turned around the extremely busy Bangalore airport, people pushing and bumping into me from all angles. Finally, some helpless man, likely on his 2nd flight of his life, lost, with a massive baggage cart, slammed the cart right into my exposed ankles at full speed. I screeched in pain, which scared him, and he reacted by grabbing my passport from my hand with full force, (I believe he thought I had stolen his passport, the poor guy just reacting in confusion). I stopped dead in my tracks, the manic world around me collapsing into a sheer halt. I grabbed the man by his shirt, looked him straight in the eye and commanded he drop the object in his left hand. He did, confused and flustered, people staring. And off to the print shop I went!

New Years Eve 2012

By 10pm on NYE, I still had no plans. This was so unlike me! I stayed with my friends friends...and gave up control of the night to the night. You know those nights when you have no plans, sometimes it is the most fun anyways.
I made a deal with myself to remove expectations and in return, I was overwhelmed by beautiful white drapes in the wind on the beach. House DJs, drums, acid jazz, ballet dancers, foreigners and mostly locals.

By the end of the night, I found myself back on another scooter heading south.

"Did I mention they took my license away while I was at Virginia tech for reckless driving?" the guy driving casually mentions as we whip in and out of traffic, helmets-less, going at least 60 miles an hour. "No, you didn't" was all I could muster. "Don't worry, I don't even have a license in India. But I'm sure I could buy it again for less than $20." Phew. Thank god.

"I dont want to die" was all I could think to say next. "You know I watched this movie called The Secret once and it says to only think about what you want and you will get it" he enlightens me. "Well then, I want my life" was my sobering response . "You know they give you what you wish, but times nine" he continued. "Great, then I will take nine lives. And I prefer not to use one now" I screeched as we ran right off the dirt track rails over a bridge around a tight bend nearly hitting a few trucks and a cow.

The night was beautiful and it took care of me somehow.

Goa

It was still pitch dark when I landed in the Portuguese town of Goa, at 530am. The cool ocean breeze and relaxed demeaner of the taxi driver assured me this place was different. His taxi smelt of horse Navajos without the sweat smell. I layed down in the back and immediately fell asleep, too exhausted to care that I was in a strangers car alone in the pitch dark, in India. "I am so so sorry for you mam to have lost your luggage, how terrible" the driver concerned himself. Finally, someone noticed. I loved this place instantly.

"I am in the market for sin before Jan 1" I told my friend that I was there visiting. "you have come to right place" was all he responded.

I spent the next five days staying in a gorgeous Portuguese home hidden behind a church well off from the noise. My first 24 hours, I was completely barefoot on the back of a scooter whipping in and out of traffic dodging cows, tourists, buses, whatever. It was too busy to think. It was perfect.

Bollywood stars, beaches, champagne, music, sunsets, seafood, flashing lights and scooters, so many scooters,.

Arrival in Mumbai

Fruit flies and dirty washrooms upon arrival a few days a go. India is a highly emotional place. Nobody who has been to India feels apathetic about the country, thats for sure. Well, it was clear from the get go. I hated the smells. The filth. The crowds. The bureaucracy. The in competence of operating outside of procedure, the pushiness and most of all, the people stepping on my toes. Ya, I'm only wearing flip flops. I had been there nearly an hour. I hated this place.

2 mins outdoors and I rushed back into the airport to get a $2000 rupee flight the hell out of Mumbai immediately. It aas too hectic for me at that time. I'll see the famous Taj palace on my way out, when I am a little more seasoned. I needed my India training wheels.

To do

I doubt that a day has gone by in the last decade that I have not started with a "list". From my New kids on the block (with a golden lock) agenda as a 12 yr old, to today's moleskin and apple notes, not much has changed. I was going to set a goal to not have a "to do" list during my 1st real vacation in 4 yrs, but I couldn't bear it. Instead, I have opted to try and make the list incredibly easy. So here it is:

1) Dance on the beach in Goa with Dubai friends.
2) Develop a working prototype in Bangalore for my new start up.
3) Think. (instead of doing)
4) Learn to code a website. Something easy of course.
5) Do yoga.
6) Train for my 30k race on the beach. No shoes.
7) Try giving up meat and alcohol (note to reader: I have a glass of champagne in my left hand as I type this. It is 1145am in Frankfurt. This may be an unrealistic goal.)
8) Read. Not just the news.
9) Sleep. (yes, this is on the list)
10) Let time slip away.

Checked in.

Tie dyed pink bathing suit. Check. Long dress with Burberry wrap and sunglasses. Check. iPad. Check. Indian converters. Check. Ruppees. USD. Yoga outfit. Passport. Check. Check. Check.

So, I just checked in. To Exec class Air Canada counter, loudly proclaiming to the smiley attendant that "no, I do not have bags to check", almost attempting to egg her on to ask me more questions. Barely a response. My next stop was a check in to security. "You know, I didn't check any bags" I reminded the X-ray machine guy. He smiled sympathetically and reminded me that flip flops do indeed need to come off. I then checked in online, loudly proclaiming my "I don't have baggage". To four square. To twitter. On Facebook.

Perhaps I needed a check in. I really shouldn't care about anyone else. And in 23 hrs I'd be climbing out of my comfy bed with champagne service to the streets of Bombai. Flip flops and iPad in tote.

Checking out until the next time I see wifi!

Purpose

is what keeps us going.

As I reflect on the purpose of my upcoming trip to India, I realize there isn't one. I am not planning to transcend to another realm or find, what some refer to as "enlightenment". I am far too practical for that. There's a saying that a friend of mine told me last weekend that: "Before enlightenment, you chop wood. After enlightenment, you chop wood." I do not believe in silver bullets and seek only to perhaps get rid of a little bit of the noise. This can be achieved from anywhere, so I guess my purpose is for a nice landscape, and an altered lens.

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed." -Ernest Hemingway

Baggage

Yes, this is all I'm bringing with me to India. It's amazing how little we really need.

Running Lean

I have become utterly inspired by a group of friends in start up mode in New York, as well as by a book I recently read called "running lean", famous for it's "lean canvas" methodology to streamline a 50pg business plan (which investors make you write, which they will never read anyways) into a 1/4 pg of bullet points. I've also re-read and over listened to the "start with why" on TED.

Why are you doing what you're doing? And then simplify the what.

While this is applicable to my next business start up, I am also applying it to my personal life. I am heading off to India in 8 days, and have resolved to do the following:

-reduce total inventory of clothing (yes, that includes designer shoes, purses and even hats) by 75%
-stop with the Starbucks 1/2 sweet, non fat, grande caramel Burle extra hot ,quad shot lattes. Replace with double espressos.
-reduce "trifling" conversations (that means anything that brings no benefit either party). Okay, theres no way i can purge this completely, just go on a diet.
-automate bill payments
-remove myself from all email mailing lists (that's the "unsubscribe" button at the bottom of those emails)
-replace all fruity cocktails with straight vodka martinis (somehow this IS a resolution, but hardly a sacrifice)

As I pack for my upcoming month in India, I am leaving the heels and makeup and 19 types of purses. IPad, bathing suit, moleskin, flip flops, and one outfit that doesn't make me look like a hippy in front of the web developers. Entering running lean boot camp!

Sleeping

Is always the hardest these days. I have tried to stay as busy as possible during the days, but the nights are killing me. I am finding parallels to the process of mourning. I probably cared too much and didn't realize it.

Kleenexes

My entire life my Dad has been harping on me about Kleenexes. "There should be Kleenex boxes positioned strategically around every home" he would always remind me. Growing up, we had a strict Kleenex kanban system to ensure we would never run out. "Kleenex inventory control was a way of telling how well a household operated" was a general rule of thumb. I never got it. I rarely used Kleenexes unless I was sick, and I found the boxes to be hideous.

I got to the office this morning, in transition mode, going along my business, and realized the entire south wing of the building heat had been turned off to save overheads through the transfer. I needed a quiet place to work, so I set myself up, very strangely, for the first time, in my fathers old CEO executive suite way on the west end of the building. I never used it when I was CEO, because I found it too big, too grande, too formal and just plain weird.

After a few hours of working away like normal, answering emails and calls and directing employees to box files, I rec'd an email advising me that my resignation was accepted and I am not to transition over the next 2 months, but to in fact leave immediately.

Finally, as if I had been waiting for this moment for months, I broke down. Leaned my head on my big executive suite desk, and balled my eyes out like a child. I reached for the right hand drawer, and sitting there perfectly, was a box of Kleenex from nearly 2 years a go.

Goodbye

I spent my last morning wandering the factories today. It has always been one of my favourite things to do. I power walked over with all of my usual spirit, to the lady we all refer to as "Biker Patty". In and out of jail, and highly disruptive to the other employees, she is one of the best operators we have. We usually stick her in a corner so she can do her thing. "Patty!" I said, while slapping her on the back. Big green tattoos on her chubby arms, she turned and looked up at me, huge smile plastered to her face. "I was beginning to wonder if you even knew my name". If only she knew, I only knew her name from middle management inside jokes and the insurance company who continually expressed concern that we had a felon on the payroll. "Well, do you know my name?" I asked her with innocence. "Everyone knows your name, Nicole. When you're not here, we all dream about where you could be, and when you're here, we all wonder what you're thinking. You're exactly like your father, but more removed. And more glamourous." Before letting her see the tears welling in my eyes, I slunked away and moved on to touring the rest of the 500 employees. Little did they know I was slowly saying goodbye to all of them in my head. To the Indian we sponsored 30 years a go, to the receptionist who babysat me in the 80s, and continued to do my laundry until the moment a private equity firm bought our company.

I plan on leaving.

I have been in golden handcuffs for 5 months since we sold the business. "Management" was put in place to manage my father and I, but I realize now that we are completely unmanageable. Because the difference between an entrepreneur and an employee is finally clear to me. It was never about the money to me. I barely ever even kept score. If I had a lot, I spent it, and when I didn't, I just didn't. I stayed up at night worrying about the employees. About payroll and their loyalty and their families loyalties, which were often in our case, located in other countries.

We are all going to die one day, and all that matters at the end of it all, in my humble opinion, is the effect you had on others.

I finally realize that for years, I have been walking around with a weight on my shoulders. It was the weight of responsibility I suppose. I never identified it or realized what it was, until this afternoon. You don't often realize what something was, until you realize what something was not. Today I felt lightness. I tried to feel emotion, but it wasn't there. Instead I was left with my typical logical thought pattern. It frustrated me, because I expected to cry. To breakdown. To do something erratic. Nothing.

It was Friday night as I drove home to the family farm in Caledon in a complete daze. There had been so many Friday nights, over the last four years. Friday nights, where I would make my predictable call to the boyfriend of the month advising him that I wouldn't be making __(insert whatever plans I had). Friday nights where I would often sit in a daze either starting at my computer screen or off into space wondering what to do. I hated Fridays, because I knew nothing would be accomplished for 48 hours. It always felt like an eternity. I realize now, that my obsessive judgment was likely fogged over by stress and fatigue, and that I should have taken more Friday nights. My relationship with work had become my identity.

I'm not sure exactly how I have got to this place, but I loved every minute of it, yet I am ready to say goodbye.

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too." The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed".

Non profit?

http://glassfrogforum.blogspot.com/ and @theglassfrog were born after spending the past 12 months trying to work in Haiti. Devastated, worn out, defeated, it’s all I could think to do. A forum to promote the transparency of aid given to non profits. These "non profits" with their sense of moral superiority have full control over disaster relief. Why? Because they are "non profit"? It took the donor governments 6 months to set up the IHRC. And then it has taken another 6 months for the procedures to be put in place to disperse the funding to aid agencies which contracted out the work to numerous other non profits, with 15 approval levels, expenses incurred, time wasted and often not the best firms winning.

The IHRC could have just directed funds to Haitian owned firms in an open competition with a free and open performance written specification in an online bidding process by following the Federal Acquisition regulations. The firm receiving the monies could easily be audited by a large North American audit firm and held accountable. It would avoid all of that bureaucracy, reduce all of the overhead expenses and "cuts" that each level is taking and ensure that Haitian entrepreneurs are doing the work and creating long term, viable companies that will employ local talent for years to come. By following an open, competitive process, it would also be fair and the best company would win, not the company with the best contacts who "pay for non profits lunch".

For profit entities are more efficient, use their resources a lot more effectively because they are held accountable to the bottom line and if these contracts were competed properly, the best company would do the best job and hire local Haitians if it were part of the requirement! Instead, all of these “non profits” use the front of the acronym "NGO" to deem themselves morally superior, but they answer to nooooby.

NGOs and government workers have zero incentive to do things well, to keep their costs down, to avoid corruption. I would gladly argue, that they act in self interest: to keep their jobs and keep their revenue streams fat (to keep funding every year). Profit driven companies on the other hand, have to constantly compete for work, so they have to be the best at what they do. They have to keep costs down, so their bids are competitive and they win more contracts. They have to be efficient, move quickly and can not allow any fat in their organizations. They have full incentive to avoid corruption to keep their brands clean. They have every incentive to act in the best interest of their shareholders and are held accountable for every dollar and for ensuring a return on every penny of every dollar. Owners and employees do act in their self interest, but in this case: it is good. If they compete in open contract bidding, they will deliver on contracts to the absolute best of their ability to ensure future of the business. We all have public past performance deliver records and go through stringent audits to provide our senior lenders. This accountability is stronger than you would imagine, even for privately held businesses. NGOs and governments have none of that. They are only accountable to what they choose to tell their donors or the tax payers. I am constantly putting in requests to Freedom of Information Act for info on how the gov’t or NGOs are acting behind the scenes. I get responses 300 days later with half of the document blacked out for "Security reasons".

So, fine. A “for profit company” is morally in capable of managing disaster relief funds. Then give it to a non profit with transparency, accountability, reporting, and efficiency. That’s the only solution I can think of for now. All I know is that I believe in the power of online, community driven transparency. I believe that we have become more connected, more aware and more affected by international disasters. I believe deep down that we, each and every one of us, have the power to change this system, which is a disaster in itself. One step at a time.

Pentagon Tour

I spent a few days in Washington last week at the most important annual general Defence trade show/meeting in the world. It was exactly how the movies would show it. Red carpets littered with Generals and eager contractors, doing and saying what ever it takes to win over the US government. It was my 4th year attending, jaded and over trained, I was playing the game. I have been feeling my way around the questions as to whether or not I was the hired "booth babe", getting intel from the big guys and then just allowing different CEOs to spill all in assumption that I would never have any clue what to do with the information anyways. It is fun for me, and I am starting to understand the appropriate angles. At the end of the day, we all play our own game. We are all out for each other. Trust no one and tell nothing. Masques around the room come in different forms, but what is certain, is that we are all wearing one. Or a couple at least.

At one point, I went out for a meeting with the lead Solar/Alternate energy scientist in the Department of Defense. He had just left, and in his place sat a retired Apache pilot, turned logistics planning, turned retired "Materiel" in the Pentagon. I bounded up to him, fueled entirely by coffee and the free British Aerospace booth candies. And the masques were off. Within moments, he had decided he was my new mentor. His wife, a Senior Exec at the World Bank was taking me for lunch. And he was taking me for a private tour of the Pentagon. He did, and it was incredible. Stories of the past Presidents over his 70 yrs, and Secretaries of Defense, Materiel planning and logistics, World Bank financing, history, politics, and mostly personal stories. He showed me where the plane hit on 9/11, and then showed me his office (in which he had just moved out of 2 weeks earlier for a renovation), located a floor above. We went to the Pentagon gym, where US Presidents had swam naked for a hundred years. There are so many real people behind everything that we do and take for granted. It was a nice tour. Completely "unmasqued".

serendipity |ˌserənˈdipitē|nounthe occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way : a fortunate stroke of serendipity | a series of small serendipities.DERIVATIVESserendipitous |-ˈdipitəs| adjectiveserendipitously adverbORIGIN 1754: coined by Horace Walpole, suggested by The Three Princes of Serendip, the title of a fairy tale in which the heroes “were always making discoveries, by accidents and sagacity, of things they were not in quest of.”

No time, no time

Have had a very hard time keeping up with this blogging as of late....(and much to my Grandmother's dismay!) There is just not enough time in the day. I have been however, keeping my twitter account up to speed, as finding time for 144 character updates has proven itself possible. I can be followed at: www.twitter.com/nicoleverkindt or @nicoleverkindt. I am hoping the saying is true that "success comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it!".

Parachutes. 4,500 of them.

Okay, so the truth is, I was promoted, because GMA was being "demoted". We saw a major drop in sales in June and we were forced to lay off over 100 long standing, loyal employees as part of an aggressive restructuring plan. It was the hardest thing I have ever been involved in. It felt like I went to 100 funerals, all through the nights. July came and we watched as the US government depots stayed stagnant. End user demand, if it existed, was unknown. We begged for data. For communication. For any intel we could get to plan accordingly. With tens of millions in fixed overheads, you could only imagine how fast a business could start losing money. We felt like mushrooms, completely left in the dark. I begged Senator Levin for help. Congresswoman Miller. Industry Canada. Our employees. Our banks. Our suppliers. Our customer. My "job training" consisted of Dad taking me to each and every stakeholder giving the ugly news and then announcing he would be stepping down to decrease overheads. It was ugly. August came 8 months later and I was swinging from free fall to lieing on the ground, weight of the world on my shoulders. September came and we had 3 weeks of backlog left. I lay in bed repeated over and over to myself that we were going to go bankrupt in 3 weeks. We were bidding aggressively, and had over $300M in bid pipeline, but no releases on any of our current contracts. Then, on a Friday late afternoon, we found out that we won an $8.3M parachute contract. And we were saved. For now anyways. Ironic, it was a product we had never done before, 4,500 cargo parachutes, that saved us. And oh was it ever the parachute we needed.

Aug 1st

Today, I am legally responsible for GMA. My father is stepping back into Chairman role to take 5 months off. We are going through a pretty drastic restructure in anticipation of the change in markets. The internal changes have been dramatic and painful, but we are positioning ourselves for growth in a few other key areas. Myself, when I saw the future of our demand, looked into my own personal career plan. I had started meeting with recruiters and MBA program marketers in Europe and US. I had a few opportunities lined up in corporate positions. I had one foot in, and one foot out. I remember a friend of mine telling me a story about a Spanish inquisition. As the Army approached the land they were attempting to conquer, the General instructed his men to burn the boats as soon as they got on shore. That way there was no turning back. While I didn't burn any "bridges", I really felt like I was burning my own boats, when I decided to accept the position, and completely cut all discussion surrounding "back up plans". I will do this for the next 5 months with everything in me.

Aug 1st is a big day. I have been thinking about this day, anticipating what it would feel like. I woke up this morning, went for my normal run, this time on the Port Huron waterfront, grabbed my normal newspaper and coffee and caught up on pretty average to do lists (move into new place on water, re draft all of the org charts, meet local bankers for lunch, start training my new assistant to put up with my neurotic organization requirements). The way forward will not be about "big days" or large statements. It will be about every day service, I am pretty sure of that. I tried to "tweet" about my feelings today.....but all I could say was "Here we go!". I certainly have calculated plans, but I'm sure some unexpected turns will come up on this ride. Am I ready for this? Probably not at all. One thing is for sure, I am going in with the boats in flames!

"Were we having a religous discussion back there?"

Yesterday we met with some potential partners. The focus was on the manufacturing processes and technology that we have invested in over the past 35 years. Every year, all of our profit goes into investing in more technology and equipment. Every year, we continue to leverage up our cash flow with financing instruments to speed up the automation and pay back. These potential partners do not beleive in debt. At all. The discussion continued, but continually circled back positions such as "well, we would just buy X machine and reduce the cost after that initiative is complete and leverage the financing into the next investment". There was certainly some friction and unalignment, but only in a core business value: financing. It was sort of that elephant in the room. At the end of the day, we wern't arguing about #s or even decision making abilities. We were arguing about the religion of business.

Yesterday I landed in Seattle at 550pm PST. In meeting at airport lounge by 6:15pm. Up at 3am local time to grab the first flight to Detroit 11am PST to meet a customer and back home the first flight after that. Woke up at 6am EST to start all over again. This is really just a day out of a constant schedule of work travel packed in so tight there is no room to breath. I kind of like it that way though. Most people put emphasis on having a "work-life balance". I've realized that for the past couple of years, I have just been working as hard as I can until I burn myself out. The travel in my Sales & Marketing job has been fantastic, but has really turned my job into a full time lifestyle. I have found that there isn't much of an "off/on" separation....And as of today, it is official. My job will be changing. I am moving into an operations role over seeing the entire company. No longer will my life revolve around my own aeroplan points or tight schedule. I will be leading the company through reorganization and growth. I am thrilled about the challenge! More to come as I take it in.....and figure out how to balance it all. 

Parisien parties

My past week in Paris has been quite a whirlwind. Champagne after champagne, it felt like I floated from the trade show to events to dinners to night clubs back to meetings to receptions and speeches. We attended beautiful, fancy events in the gardens of the Canadian Embassy, as well as the gardens of "Les Invalides", then another in the gardens of Versailles palace. Every night "derouled" in a very similar fashion. A long speech by a dignitary well planned with big, vague words avoiding risk, while standing boldly for nothing at all in a beautifully tailored Chanel suit. The speech ends every time with light claps by all of us holding glasses of Moet and crackers with caviar. I learned very quickly how to speak with enthusiasm and delicateness about the Parisien architecture and history of "Tru du Cru" French cheese. It was the final night, that I was invited to the fanciest event of them all. I would be going with an Middle Eastern Sheik and famous chocolatier to attend the medal ceremony in a Chateau in the Bois de Bourgogne. A woman was being knighted by the government of France for her work in business and social enterprises. The entrance was stuffy and grandiose like the rest of my week. As I approached the reception area in the back gardens, there was something very intimate about the affair. Glasses of Moet and crackers of caviar still littered the room. Same waiters, crystal chandaliers and Chanel suits. Everything was the same. Except the air. The Madame receiving her Chevalier medal came bounding up. "Vous etes ici!!!! Thank you very existing!" she screeched as she looked deep into my eyes grabbing my shoulders and thanking the Sheik profusely. She thrust me into a conversation with a 91 yr old war veteran, a friend of Charles de Gaulle. The man inquired about my dreams. No architecture. No cheese. When the speeches began, the Madame receiving her medal took the microphone with tears of joy in her eyes. She continued in french, explaining that "I did not write a speech. I want to speak from my soul." There was no planning in her words. She needed to pause frequently as she thought of what to say. Her words were filled with specific strong positions on important issues. She rolled from one sentence to another smiling right into her eyes, laughing from her gut and crying lihgtly but with tension throughout her body. She was honest. She was stripped "bare" admitting her mistakes in business and in love, but arguing with conviction that her intentions have always been pure. She was standing naked in the front, in the room full of Chanel suits. People with power have a lot to protect, so they never say much. They avoid risk and tend to strip their lives of emotion or stance. I read once that "Self-consiousness is the enemy of interesting". I really do believe that. While my entire whirlwind week of Parisien parties was really quite incredible, I must admit that I preferred the latter.

political scandals

i find usually occur when egos get too big....when people forget why they originally got into the game.....when they start hanging around power a little too often.....

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense.
Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't.
And contrary-wise, what it is it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would.
You see?

I started a book club at the beginning of the year for a few reasons...Mostly, to do "nothing" but reading for a few hours a month.

I admittedly LOVE books. I love libraries, I love book shelves, I love the smell and feel of books. I love when you are so into a book you think about the characters when you are in a boring meeting. I love the detail and intimacy you can create with someone so unreachable in your real world. (Yes, I admit, I read mostly bios). Ever since I was really little, I was in love with books. There are infamous pictures of me reading books and begging to go to sleep early so I could read when I was a toddler. Coupled with my extremely hyper personality that is constantly on the go, it is surprising that I could even sit still to read as a 2 year old. Even today, I love roaming the aisles of book stores with a coffee for hours. It is really one love affair that has lasted.

The problem that I see lately is that there are just so many things competing for our attention. Here I am on a Sunday morning rushing to finish this blog because I am meeting someone at exactly 1145am. I am on my cell phone booking us an appointment, while blogging about daily competing inputs and outputs. Reading a book is one of the only things you can't do, while doing three other things. I thought hard about buying the iPad yesterday. I thought, finally! I could get rid of my stacks and stacks of books. I could stop traveling with an extra 3 pounds in my carry on. I could buy books instantaneously. I wouldn't even have to go to Chapters! No more libraries, no more "smell and feel" of the book, and worse: you would finally be able to do three things at once while reading a "book". I could receive messages, download Apps and listen to music all in the same device. What a terrible thought.

I wonder if I could ban the iPad from my book club? Would it even be considered "banning a book"? All I know, is that for now, I'm sticking to the original!

"We have been here before"

I hear from the management team, as we stand at the brink of destruction or exploding expansion. It is a scary place. Standing at the edge. Thank god we have been there before. I am not sleeping, stuck in a state of worry. It is also exciting, as I look at other examples of successful companies, who were, at one time, in similar situations. Our options are plentiful and a grasp away. As they are for anyone really. They just tend to stand out for you more when you are cornered, with no other options but to look for new ones. It is times like this, where you are forced to "fall or fly", that you are forced into another mode. Maybe some of us thrive on this. I would superficially assume that this is a very unusual, scary place....but then I realize, that "we have been here before". Maybe I should get comfortable.

Next 3 weeks coming up include a few time zone changes, war and destruction zones and a hidden underwater getaway to the Maldives with a customer! Will try and remember to report back to the blog from the "Edge".

They say the average human has over 54,000 independent thoughts a day. How are we supposed to manage them all? What should be focused on? How do you learn to take control, and tell those thoughts who is boss? And if you can't have two independent thoughts at the exact same time, then by allowing one in, you are kicking another, perhaps very productive or insightful one, out. It seems insignificant, to care who and what tries to enter such a meaningless thing as a thought.....but in the end, it is those exact thoughts that cumulate into something much bigger.

I bounded into my porter airlines seat the other day en route to Ottawa. I knew I still had about 12 minutes before taxing, so I made about 9 calls, sent 4 emails, 6 text messages and reviewed one powerpoint before the flight attendants got after me.

"Well, arn't you just the little Hurricaine over there" the business man next to me said as we took off. Noticing the expression on my face, he continued: "now I know why my friend, the CEO of the LCBO always says...."if you want to get something done, just give it to a single woman between 25 and 40"".

When polar bears hunt, they crouch down by a hole in the ice and wait for a seal to pop up. They keep one paw over their nose so that they blend in, because they've got those black noses. They'd blend in perfectly if not for the nose. So the question is, how do they know their noses are black? From looking at other polar bears? Do they see their reflections in the water and think, "I'd be invisible if not for that." That seems like a lot of thinking for a bear.

Luck and Chaos

The stars are aligning for me right now. The first four weeks of 2010 have been consistently “lucky” (whatever that means). Success breeds success, and with every new perfect alignment, come more. It started with my new apartment and “nouveau joie de vivre” in my West Downtown Toronto neighbourhood. I drink hot Starbucks from my dining room table, walk a block to my hot yoga studio and run the lakeshore path within 3 minutes. I can make plans with local friends within seconds and forge banking relationships a few blocks away on Bay Street.3 of my 4 New Years resolutions are already complete: Start a book club, take French lessons and sweat each day….(still missing “study and take the GMAT” ).

Work wise: on New Years day, a top contact in the Middle East called me to pitch a partnership and set up a meeting for me for merely 3 weeks later. Our re-brand launched completely and I was already starting to feel the benefits. The team in the office is rocking and rolling without me (just as I had planned) and I am hoping to reel in some big fish soon! And then nature devastated Haiti. Little did I know that day would change my perception and direction so quickly and dramatically. Tiburon immediately started getting requests to build some shelters in our factory. “Some” turned into “A lot” and before I knew it: teams of engineers, material purchasers and logistic coordinators were racing around the island on motorcycles trying to figure out prices, availability and stock. I continued to sit in my ivory tower, hot Starbucks and all, coordinating with NGO’s from my dining room table. With every new opportunity came another and with every old opportunity came questions, confusions and criticism. A lot was happening, but I kept bashing into walls with every direction I took.

Finally, I flew down to the Dominican at a last moments notice. Feeling “lucky”, I was hoping I could get in front of my future and convince it to let me be a part of something as important as Haiti rebuilding. I figured, if I could just get control of the situation, stay obscenely organized and use my sheer determination, I would leave with a way out of the Defence Industry and into the Relief effort (a huge dream of mine).I land Wednesday at midnight. Wake at 6am, run 8km, eat my special low carb bar and neatly place my brand new, perfectly pressed dress and suit jacket on. One last glance in the mirror: colour coded brochures, quotes and photos under my right arm and I am off to my first meeting. World Vision. I am early. The “customer” is clearly annoyed. She has been trying to award her boyfriend the contract, a man with no manufacturing experience until her boss caught wind. “Si, yo tengo tu cotizacion Nicole, pero yo tengo siempre nunca idea que yo tengo que comprar!” Chaos. I sit with her and her boss for a total of 53 minutes going back and forth trying to decipher what they think they need and how they think they may go about it. We are all flustered and they are too busy fire fighting to proactively coordinate a rebuilding stage. The UN is the same. Adra, OXFAM, Grupo Lama…the list goes on and on. These organizations are absolutely incredible, and yet completely ill equipped to handle something as enormous as this disaster. My dad and I discuss just giving away a couple hundred shelters. As much as we can afford.

I head out that night: defeated and confused. I drink wine with wonderful friends and stay out until the wee hours, dancing and tripping in the cobble stone streets of zona colonial.
I awake to a phone call telling me to “be at the Hilton in 20minutes”. My eyes re-adjusted to the light and then I see it. Red wine. Beautiful Chateau Neuf du Pape. All over my white apartment. Uncontrolled, uneven, splatters of red were littered on my stark white pillow, my off white curtains, my cream white blanket and my white shirt. As my eyes continued to scan “Some” turned into “A lot”. Chaos. I throw on a black dress, and some wine soaked, black high heels and race to the Hilton lobby giggling to myself about my misfortune. Having completely forgotten about my quest for “luck” and “success”, I raced around the coffee shop corner right into a clean cut, fit man. He is there to meet me. He represents an individual who I can not name. He represents the golden ticket to the island. Both the Dominican and the Haiti side. He is larger than life. Someone I have only read newspapers about and heard whispers of around the city for the past 2 years. We chat for a few minutes and then he whisks me off to this mystery person’s house.

I am seated on the white marble wrap around balcony overlooking the ocean. The mystery man emerges, much younger than I expected. He starts right away into me: How are we going to help Haiti, what will these shelters look like, what about the refugees?, the sick?, what is our short and long term plan to attack this together?. He is detail-oriented, organized and impatient. He must go to Santiago, 1 hour drive due north, immediately. He wants answers and is implying that he assumes we are the ones to be involved. He tells me to get my bags from the Hilton and to come with him in his helicopter immediately. Frazzled and disorganized, I rush off: organize and dramatically clean myself up for my meeting, 3000 ft up in the air.

It was truly lucky. The stars couldn’t have aligned better and I couldn’t have caused “Chaos” like this any better if I tried.